Looking Back or Forward?

I'm in my head and I see my life eight years ago. I was confused and frustrated...trying to figure out and make sense of my life. I had been blessed with the dream of my life. Together with my guy, we had formed our own little family. We had a child. My greatest desire was fulfilled. But I didn't know what to do after that. My life as a stay-at-home-mom was foreign. I awoke each morning on unfamiliar ground. My preference was always to stay in bed, but the whimpering-turned-to-screaming noise in the next room forced me to face each day.

Digging even deeper into my past, I remember the freedom and excitement of the single life. There were frustrations and disappointments there too, but there were very few constraints or "have to's" in that life. I got used to living that way. It was a nice life, even if it lacked the finishing touches. I lived that all-about-me life for more than ten years.

The transition from a ten-plus-year, all-about-me life to an all-about-someone-else life was difficult. Especially in the early stages of this new existence, my life felt forced, lonely, and all around hard. Reflection is a good thing, because now I realize that even though I recognized my blessings, I had to go through some tough times to grow. And even though the day-to-day was downright boring, I hung in there. I faced the days even when I didn't want to and I'm a better person today because of my endurance back then.

So during that "baby's first year" I adjusted. I did everything I thought I should do. I took loads of photos, scrapbooked every nook and cranny of baby's life, and nursed & nursed & nursed. I spent hours of each day on the floor, dedicating myself to nurture my infant and encourage her developing brain and skills. I stuck to a solid routine--meal time, play time, nap time. Then all over again two or three more times until bedtime. And I yearned for kindergarten. I didn't know how many more repeats of Itsy Bitsy Spider and stackable cups I'd be able to manage. I thought freedom would never come for me again, and I was right.

The freedoms I enjoyed in my single life were specific to that phase of life. I didn't know exactly what kind of freedom I was seeking in this new phase, but I had at least gained enough wisdom to know that it doesn't work to try to reclaim the past. I needed to make peace with my life more than I needed freedom, but I didn't understand that at the time. So I wished away part of my baby's life in my selfish daydreams...waiting, waiting, waiting for kindergarten.

I was ecstatic on "our" first day of kindergarten. There were no tears hiding behind a brave face, and my face wasn't brave anyway, it was happy. I regenerated a lot during that year of kindergarten. And of course I still had little Leah at home most of the time (of course she was enrolled in pre-school a couple days a week), so I didn't have complete freedom yet. The difference was, I wasn't looking for "freedom" anymore.

Since kindergarten, the years have passed even more quickly and I feel a pressing need to be engaged in the present. I'm not wishing away any stage of life, and I'm not waiting for the grass to turn green. I don't believe in dwelling on regrets, rather I prefer to learn from past experiences. So I refuse to question what I could have done differently with my first child back then, when I can control the things I'm doing with her now.

I do thank the Lord for His tender mercy to me...another chance to experience that ever so challenging stage again. And He sent her to me seven years to the day after my first. I see it as kind of a message that He trusted me enough to do it once, and now He's trusting me to do it again...only differently this time.

I feel gratitude for having had and I feel gratitude for knowing there's more to come. I feel gratitude for an oldest child who finds a way to rise to the top, despite her guinea pig placement in the family. I feel gratitude for being able to recognize the beauty of my life. I feel gratitude for second chances...and for first chances because there is always a load of stuff to be learned.

I still have some things to figure out. Sometimes I can't tell if I'm looking backward or forward. Seeing my girls sitting in an expanse of pebbles, I realize I could very well be seeing seven years into Meg's future...or is it seven years into Brita's past? Either way, I don't put one of them in the other's place and wish for things to be different. Either way, I love my girls right where they are. Either way, the two of them together bring out a strong resolve in me to embrace the present and remember my past at the same time. Either way, I love my life.



Happy late birthday to an eight-year-old reason and a one-year-old reason I love my life so much.