Another First Day of School

Before I became a mother, I expected to feel connected to my children and have that "mother's love" I hear people talk about a lot. I knew I would nurture and care for my children. I knew I would sacrifice for them and be happy about it. I knew I would be invested in them. I just didn't expect that investment to cut so deeply into my own heart.

A mother's love is something I knew existed, but didn't fully understand until I lived the experience. As I look back over the past twelve and a half years of experience, the mother's love I feel for my girls has gone through a range of emotions. Today, that emotion is joy.

I can say so many things about the time of year when the girls go back to school. Every year has been different. This year was one of a couple big changes. Those changes were enough to send the whole family for a whirl, which means I soaked in everyone's anxiety until finally becoming a sponge of nerves and inefficiency.

Brita's anxiety over the first day of seventh grade has been building up since she completed sixth grade in May. The week prior to school starting was almost unbearable for her, and as a result, for me too. The couple of days leading up to the first day of school were full of anxiety and short fuses. I thought it would be helpful for her (and me) to give ourselves a tour of her new school, find her classes, figure out where some of the main things are in the building like the cafeteria and gym. Turns out, that wasn't very helpful. I thought Brita was either going to throw up or pass out a few times as we walked around that huge school and she wondered how she would ever navigate that massive building.

Last week, the first day of school finally came. Yikes! Brita woke up from a restless night's sleep at 6:30am, woke Leah up so she could "help" her make pancakes that nobody ate, and was out the door by 7:40 looking beautiful and so unlike the grade schooler I knew last year.

Regardless of how academically and intellectually prepared my 7th grader might be to attend the local high school with a handful of other "pups" her age, it's hard to think of anything else that has tugged at my mother-heart strings as intensely as watching my firstborn take timid, yet independent steps toward those big high school doors for her first day. Brita turned to look back at me at least five times while she walked from the sidewalk to the doors of the school with rising panic in her whole expression each time. I tried to look strong and be strong when she took the plunge and at long last opened the school doors and then slowly disappeared out of my sight. It was her first time walking into school by herself on the first day. But I couldn't walk her in this time because she's growing up. And as much as she wanted me to take her hand and stay by her side, she also wanted me to keep my distance. So I sat in the car, per her wishes, and I'm pretty sure I felt her same agony with each footstep that took her closer to being farther away from me. But she found COURAGE to replace her fear and I couldn't have been more proud.

Even though I know this year should be a good situation for her, I still had to come home and say a prayer for comfort and peace. Because as Brita's nerves were settling as she saw familiar faces and as she walked the halls with other kids who were sharing her same feelings and experience, I was at home battling a tempting anxiety that was hanging over my head. I tried to keep my hands and my mind busy while I waited for her, knowing that I couldn't run to her rescue even if she were having a terrible day. As my kids grow up, I have to grow up too. I have to grow up enough to let them learn from their own experiences and sometimes that's gonna hurt all of us a little. Or a lot.

While all of this was going on, I was also contending with mother-heart issues because of Leah. Leah had some experiences last year that resulted in Jared and I making the decision to move her to another school for 6th grade this year. Now Leah is a seriously NO DRAMA kid, but come on, who is really going to be one hundred percent okay with changing schools in sixth grade?!

When we approached Leah in the summer about changing schools, Jared and I pulled her out of bed after the other kids had been tucked in and she sat between us on the couch. In his no-nonsense way, Jared blurted out, "We want you to change schools next year." Leah showed no reaction, other than nodding her head up and down, with her eyebrows slightly raised and her lips gently pursed together. After several seconds of this odd response, she said, "Okay. I think it's a good time for a change." I had at least expected her to ask "why?", or "what school do you want me to go to?"...something along those lines. But she doesn't fret over things. I think the reason she doesn't become overly concerned is probably a combination of her tendency to always see things in a positive light and her deep level of comfort with who she is.

Anyway, she flatly remarked a few times as summer was wrapping up that she was a little nervous about her new school. So I did the same thing with Leah as I did with Brita - took her to school, showed her the 6th grade classroom, introduced her to her teacher. I had no way of knowing how nervous she really was or if this pre-school introduction helped at all because Leah doesn't talk about her feelings much nor does she wear her heart on her sleeve like, um, somebody else.

All three girls started school on the same day, so I focused on Leah and Meg after I dropped Brita off.  I would have thought that Leah was nervous because she didn't eat breakfast, but she's never been a good breakfast eater. So instead of worrying over whether or not Leah was worried, I decided to follow her lead. We took our standard pictures by the front door, then we piled in the car for the five-minute drive that seemed to take forever.

 

Meg and I walked Leah in to her class and an almost immediate silence screamed at us as all the kids stopped dead in their conversations to check out the new kid. I had to engage in continuous self-talk reminding myself that these kids had mostly all been together since kindergarten and Leah was the new face. Surely they were wondering how she might disrupt their rhythm. But they don't know yet that this new face is Leah. She doesn't disrupt anyone's rhythm. She can blend in anywhere and surely it wouldn't take long for her classmates to figure that out.

After dropping off her supplies, Leah unaffectedly walked all the way around the room with each set of eyes watching her every move, and sat down smack-dab next to the only other girl who was there. The girl just turned and stared at Leah in a little bit of shock and didn't utter a word. Leah just smiled at her and said, "Hi." Then I heard them exchange names and when I turned around at the door on my way out, I saw them both giggle a little.

Kind of encouraging, but STILL, come on. Leaving her to figure everything out on her own felt cruel. I prayed that those kids will want to get to know her and that she will find some friends.

As I turned to walk out of Leah's classroom, I reached out to grab Meg because I was sure she must be plastered to one of my sides. But I couldn't find her anywhere. So I went to her new Kindergarten room where she had already made herself comfortable. She was hovering over a bin of toys, surrounded by children. She tolerated the inconvenience of interrupting her important tasks so I could take a quick photo, then she quickly buried her head in the toys again and almost inaudibly said, "Bye mom." Without even looking at me! I had hoped for at least a hug and a kiss and I lingered for a couple minutes with no response from her. Then I realized how silly I must look hanging around in hopes that my child would run to my side and act like she needed me. When reality struck, I high tailed it out of there knowing that Meg might be my only ticket to emotionally intense freedom that day.

Brita's first day was just a half day, and I couldn't wait to pick her up at 12:15. Even though I knew in my mind that everything had probably gone okay for Brita, my heart was racing a little bit as I watched kid after kid walk out of the school. The second Brita walked through the doors, I instantly tried to gauge her mood, and I couldn't really tell how she was until she finally caught my eye and communicated with me by flashing a huge smile underneath sparkling eyes. I love that she couldn't even wait to get in the car before letting me know it had been a good day.

Since her sisters weren't getting out of school for another couple hours, Brita and I went on a date to Chick Fil-A, and there she spilled everything with excitement in her voice the whole time. She had so much to say. So many details about the people, about her teachers, about the orientations. Brita loves to share and I soaked it all in for almost two and half hours until it was time to pick up Leah and Meg.

When we got to the girl's school, Meg jumped in the car and couldn't wait to tell me that she hated school. Of course, she was trying to hide a smile as she made this confession. When pressed for details, she didn't have much to offer other than the surprise, "I LOVED IT!" The only explanation I could decipher from her ecstatic state was the fact that they went to so many recesses. Although I would have liked to know more of what went on inside that Kindergarten room for six hours, just knowing that she was thrilled was enough for me.

As for Leah, she quietly acknowledged that it had been a good day and all the kids had been nice. She was looking forward to going back the next day, which didn't really surprise me, but still eased my nerves a bit.

After Brita shared the highlights of her day with Leah, she asked Leah about some details of her day and Leah had basically nothing to offer. She told about a video they watched, and when we asked her what the video was about, she couldn't really tell us. Then she said they had to do a worksheet about the video, so I asked her what she wrote on her worksheet and she didn't have a satisfying answer for that either. At that point, Brita started getting really irritated because if we had had time, she could have spelled out almost every minute and detail of her day. So the fact that Leah had zilch-o to share was super frustrating to Brita. So basically, it only took a few minutes for excitement over new experiences to fade back into familiar sibling verbal sparring.

I know that a lot of times, the biggest issues start surfacing once school becomes more routine and everyone has settled in, but I'm always relieved when the first day is under our belt. Especially when it's a successful first day. And given the fact that my two oldest girls are transitioning into totally new and unfamiliar territory this year, it's comforting to know everything got started off on the right foot.

As for me, I spent the majority of my morning that day working on our traditional candy bar posters. The girls love coming home to these and it just wouldn't feel right if I didn't kick off the school year with a "sweet" message to each of my sweethearts.

And because we just can't celebrate the first day of school without a ton of sugar, the girls pulled out the popsicles they whipped up the night before and I didn't complain. Because when everyone is hanging around in the kitchen, we're talking, we're bonding, and we're together. My favorite thing of all!