Sometimes I Rock

I've got kind of a gift for sharing my weaker side, exposing my faults, and disclosing personal failures - especially when it comes to my role as a mom. Admittedly, a lot of the time I stink. But the rest of the time, I don't stink, and sometimes I smell pretty good. The past couple days, I've had a couple of smell-good moments that have done more for bonding me to my children. Because, let's face it, sometimes I let my kids get away from me and I forget what they're all about and they become strangers to me. When this happens, I have to get to know them again, and I am always amazed at what I learn about my children when I take a concerted interested in them.

Unfortunately, before I share my Hallelujah moment, I have to cross over to the dark side and admit that I messed up first.

I kissed the girls good-bye and bid them good night before walking out the door the other night to attend dog-training class (wow...I never thought I'd hear myself say those words!). I am always excited when someone else gets the responsibility of putting my kids to bed (except I prefer bedtime chaos to dog-training class any day of the week). Leah, however, has a serious self-imposed NEED to get that last kiss and hug from me, and ONLY me, before giving into her tiredness at the end of a long day. I made the binding pinky promise that I would come into her room and kiss her, even if she was asleep, when I got home.

After a successful hour of establishing my dominance over Buddy at dog-training class, I returned home anxious to tackle some laundry, clean up some toys, and get ready for bed before following through on my promise. While I was washing my face, Leah slowly entered the bathroom fighting back the tears on her already red, splotchy face. I figured she would have already been asleep when I came home, but she informed me that she heard me come home and she had been patiently waiting and wondering for thirty minutes if I was going to tuck her in.

Suddenly, the laundry, the toys, and the dishes didn't seem so important anymore. At her request, I cuddled next to her on her bed, yet she still couldn't settle down. I had betrayed her trust in me, and I had the choice to either let her deal with it on her own, or to do whatever was necessary to earn a shred of her trust back. So I stayed next to her as the clock continued to tick later and later into the night, and I was determined to stay until she was satisfied.

She finally smiled a bit when I offered to tell her a story. Then of course she wanted more. So I indulged. When my mentally shelved list of stories was exhausted, she wanted a song. And then finally after the song, she was ready for her final hug and kiss--her official bedtime "tuck in". By the time I exited her room and checked on the other girls, Jared was already in bed and the house was prepared for night. The house was shut down, the family was sleeping, and at that point I could sleep soundly myself.

It doesn't take long to give the girls a quick hug and kiss and tuck them into bed at night. I could have given myself over an hour of selfish time that night had I only given Leah a kiss immediately upon my arrival home. But think of what I would have missed, because instead of an hour to waste on the computer or to read my book, I got an hour of concentrated time with my girl. During the day, I consider it lucky if I get even ten minutes of devoted time with one kid. That night I got over an hour to connect with a child who NEEDS that time. I found that I NEED that time too...and not for my selfish self.

I made a mistake that night. But in my efforts to "right" that "wrong", I connected with Leah again. Being so close to her, feeling her cheek press up against mine, and seeing her genuine smile nourished my soul.

Sometimes I stink, it's true. But sometimes after I stink, I ROCK!