Mom and Dad's dear friend, Greta Bandley died a few days ago and it's just hit a little too close to home. Then mom and I ran into my cousin's wife Carolyn and her daughter Katie at the grocery store a couple days ago where Carolyn reminded us that "every day is a gift." Her husband, my cousin, Rick died a few years ago. Since he died, we've also lost my Aunt Nelda, my cousin Steve, and my cousin Russ. We lost my cousin Jan shortly before Rick died, and we also just learned that Lori, my cousin Creig's wife, has a brain tumor that has metastasized and she is on hospice. These are not all old people and they are not certainly people I would have expected to die when they did.
I want to remember what Carolyn said and to give my time to the people who fill me up and give me a reason to get up every day...because really, it's a gift to be able to share my life with these people who I love. Today I'm thinking of things that make my relationships so full and I'm thinking of all the things about my family that make me happy.
There's lots I love about the hubs but I feel so happy when I see Jared loving and taking in the beauty of this world. I was surprised the first time I saw him really enjoy a sunset. He was sensing it and feeling it. I wanted to know how to take in a sunset the way he was taking it in. I have loved how his appreciation for the beauty of nature has helped me appreciate it and experience it more and to connect more to God.
Brita's sense of humor makes me feel happy. She sees humor in odd places, she makes comments using awesome descriptive words that make me laugh, and she points out ironies with a sarcastic wit that leaves me speechless and in giggles. And besides all of that, she isn't embarrassed of me at all...thinks I'm crazy half the time? Yes. But embarrassed? No.
Leah is unique in a way that tickles me. Leah is so amazingly comfortable in her own skin and I don't know that I've ever seen her look uncomfortable around other people. She is quiet but says what's on her mind and she is laid back but determined. That girl is wise beyond her years and I anticipate so many good things in her future.
Meg just wants to be with me. She gives me bear hugs followed by grizzly bear hugs where she squeezes the life out of me. She wants to make sure just the two of us have special traditions. She jumps in bed with me so we can "snuggle bug" for a few minutes before it's time to get ready. She helps me set the table for dinner. She loves help make dinner by washing the lettuce for tacos. My baby loves her mama and nothing makes a mama more happy than knowing she's loved by her littles (no matter how little or not-little they might be!).
My mom is the best listener I've ever met. Anytime I go downstairs to visit with her, she stops whatever she is doing to talk and listen. Not very long ago, I went down to see her and she was reading. When I walked into the apartment she immediately closed her book and turned her attention to me. I told her how much I appreciated that she always listens and she told me that nothing is more important. I believed her. The thing is, this is how she has been with me my entire life. This isn't something that has just happened because she is retired and life isn't as quick and chaotic. I never remember my mom telling me she was too busy, which is crazy because I know I tell my kids that all the time. My mom knows how to make me feel loved for sure.
I feel happy when I watch my dad face the biggest fear of his life every day with the most courageous approach I have ever seen in him. As anyone who has lived 76 years, my dad has faced his share of challenges. My dad, a gifted athleted, lost his scholarship at BYU when he messed up his knee and couldn't play football anymore. When I was a teenager, my dad was out of work for a period of time and it was a horrible thing to watch my dad deal with the shame he felt of not being able to provide for the family. When I was in my mid-twenties, my dad had stage 4 colon cancer which required him to take chemo for a full year. More recently, he had surgery for prostate cancer. I've watched him deal with and face these challenges and more, but I don't think he has been afraid of anything more than he has feared Alzheimer's - the disease that he watched it work its evil-looking magic on his mother for years; the disease that claimed her dignity, her sanity, and her personality; the disease that claimed his mother's sensabilities and took her from him.
Since my dad has been in the early stages of this dreaded disease for years, we've all taken turns walking on eggshells and trying to pretend that it's not creeping into all of our lives. But while the rest of us have tried to deal with and sometimes mask our discomfort and dread, I've never seen my dad step up so courageously to something so difficult. Because he's willing to talk about it and accept it, he's helping me and others in my family also accept it. It's a scary thing to take this unknown road into territory where fear and sadness lurks. But his willingness to talk about it helps all of us and gives us a chance to find some courage in ourselves and some strength in our family before the big bomb hits. His acceptance and his hope tells me that he's getting help from a higher power, and if he can receive that help when he needs it, then I know I'll receive it when I need it too. And his peaceful approach to acceptance tells me that maybe it won't feel so much like evil-looking magic if my dad is ever fully in the clutches of Alzheimer's. Maybe it won't have to be so dreaded as we have thought. My dad's courage is inspiring and comforting and it makes me happy.
As I think about all the things that make me happy, I can't push aside some of the images of things I do that create distance between me and these great people. But I hold onto the hope that I will be given the gift of their presence in my life again tomorrow and that maybe I can do better when I wake up and try again. I am grateful for the gift of people in my life.
I am grateful for the gift of family. Without them...
- I might not appreciate God's creations the way I do
- I would miss out on the joy of a beautiful sense of humor
- I wouldn't have the opportunity to be inspired by the confidence of my own child
- I would feel lonely without little arms wrapping around me and squeezing tight
- I wouldn't know how it feels to have someone really listen to me
- I would miss the joy that comes from walking a hard road with someone I love
I know I've quoted it before, but I believe with all my heart that "God gave us families to help us become what He wants us to be. This is how He shares His love..." (from a primary song).
I feel God's love when I feel love for my family. I can't imagine a greater gift. My heart coudn't be more grateful today.
No comments:
Post a Comment