Thinking About Motherhood

Thinking so much about motherhood today. Thinking about how motherhood is so different than I ever imagined it would be. Then marveling at how closely motherhood actually mirrors the dreams I had envisioned for myself in this role. Different, yet the same.

Before we had children, I recall having a conversation with Jared about the hopes and expectations we had for our family. I remember feeling so excited at the thought of being involved in my future children's lives - so involved that they would all achieve big things and reach high places because of our influence.

I dreamed of doing things that would expand their minds and open their eyes. I dreamed of late-night chats and activities that would bond us together. I dreamed of healthy meals, fresh air, and plenty of exercise. I dreamed of music lessons and book clubs and dance classes and soccer games. I dreamed of supporting my children in their interests and also doing my part to cultivate new opportunities for them. I dreamed of so many things to the point that my children's lives were largely planned for them before they were even born!

While I think I probably do a lot of those things I dreamed of, the actual implementation deviates a bit from my (pre-child) planned mode of operation. And the actual results seem to be slightly (to drastically) different than what I had envisioned as well.

In my dreams I had a lot more energy and a lot more time to bring about picture-perfect results, which makes a lot of good sense. After all, I had never known the true long-term consequences of nurturing and loving a family. In my dreams I didn't know how life itself, in many different forms, would get in the way. I didn't know how my own weaknesses would get in the way. And I didn't know how my future children's individual wills, personalities and choices would get in the way of the hopeful results and outcomes I had predicted for their lives (credit to me, thank you very much).

While I do try to do things that will expand my children's minds and open their eyes, sometimes they just aren't ready for what I'm trying to expose them to. Sometimes they're plain not interested in what I would like them to learn. And sometimes a conversation that I think will take us to great places, falls completely flat. But then again, sometimes it works, we have a break-through moment, and then we go back to watching TV or fighting about chores and responsibilities.

The late-night chats have become a reality and gosh, I'm tired and ready for bed most nights when someone is ready to talk. And sometimes, my special little someone wants to talk about a topic that takes severe discipline on my part to engage in. And sometimes my weaknesses lead me to show my disinterest and anxiousness to exit the room. But then again, sometimes those late-night chats have been the best bonding I've ever done with my kids.

And while I have goals each week to prepare healthy meals, I find that those healthy meals are interspersed with or supplemented with grilled cheese sandwiches (with plenty of butter & no fruit or veggies), ice cream, and empty-calorie or nutritionally void/weak foods. Not to mention that the healthy meals themselves are largely complained about or go untouched.

The music lessons and other extra-curricular activities are in full swing. But they take place at dinner time, or on Young Women's night, or are farther away than I prefer them to be. And some actually require parental involvement, which I tend to get cranky about sometimes. But I'm seeing some amazing talents come out of my girls that thrill me enough to keep the activities going.

So many of my dreams of motherhood are being fulfilled, but in ways that I did not anticipate. And I certainly was not prepared for this season of my life to be so blasted hard. "Of course", I'd say to myself, "it's going to be hard. Of course it is. Hmph." But even with that self-talk and preparation to try to brace myself for the jolts, it wasn't enough. Motherhood has been so much harder than I had ever planned on it being.

Motherhood has been the hardest job of my life so far. It's the job that has stretched me past any and all of my limits. It's the job that has made me question my qualifications almost daily. It's the job that I've sometimes wanted to quit, but at the same time could never imagine walking away from. It's the job that someone gave to me without any previous experience or references and minimal qualifications. It's the job that came with no job description and provided no training.

It's the job where the benefits come in unpredictable spurts and moments. It's the job that pays in hugs, kisses and surprises of obedience. It's the job wherein I've had the highest expectations of myself. It's the job with stakes higher than any other job I've ever had. It's the job I wanted more than any other in my whole 40+ years. It's the job I thank my Heavenly Father for daily. It's the job that has brought me the most fulfillment, meaning and joy in my whole life.

It's true - motherhood is everything I thought it would be and everything I thought it wasn't. Prepared or not, I can't wait to see what this next year of my season of motherhood brings.