Support Through Negotiation

This has been a big year for Jared and me by way of accomplishing a couple of pretty big goals. At the beginning of October I ran a marathon (mostly because I allowed myself to get talked into it) and at the end of October Jared hiked the Grand Canyon from rim-to-rim-to-rim in one day (a dream he's had for about twelve years). We've both recently blogged about our experiences, but there is one aspect of those experiences that I want to address in more detail.

Because both of our big events took place just a few weeks apart and in the same month, it might seem that October was our big and busy month. But the craziness actually started in June with the commencement of all the training. Race day was definitely a highlight and while my family took the time to drive to St. George with me, go mom-less for a day, and stand in the hot sun to cheer for me, my loosely applied, yet still very demanding four-month training schedule impacted my family much more than race day itself did. And while the girls and I all accompanied Jared on his crazy venture as well, the week-day evening and all-day Saturday hikes spread over a few months were felt more significantly than the big day itself.

I haven't even talked to Jared about this yet because I wanted to formulate my own thoughts first, so I can't speak for him. But I know that for me, the support of other people has been key these past couple of years as I've tried things I never thought I'd try. I usually try to keep my races and training periods a secret from most people for various weird reasons, and I can do that because Jared's support and the support of my extended family is enough to keep me going. I didn't realize how HUGE that was until I was prompted to think about it because of a question my friend asked me in an e-mail a couple weeks ago.

The question she asked was "How do you find the balance in supporting the other person doing their goals without feeling like you are left in the dust?"

I've thought long and hard about this question and even though I'm still kind of fuzzy on the answer, there are a few things I think I know well enough to articulate. For the most part, I think Jared and I are pretty good about supporting each other in our interests and goals. Sometimes we "get it" right away and when we do, it's a cinch. But sometimes one of us has to work hard to be persuasive with the other. I think generally, both of us have just accepted the fact that even though we may not have the same interests, it's good for our relationship to support the other in the pursuit of things each of us feels will enhance our personal lives. I think we both also realize that there is going to be some give and take, and even if it may feel unbalanced for a time, at some point a shift will occur and flip things around in our favor.

I think the way we have really made it work for us, is that we've adapted the art of negotiation into our marriage without ever really defining it as that. If one of us has a really hard time "getting" something the other person wants to pursue, we usually eventually go along with it and negotiate something for ourselves on the other end that we feel is good enough to compensate for the anticipated sacrifice we are going to have to make. Without that negotiation, it would be really difficult for me to be entirely supportive of a time-consuming effort (like rim-to-rim-to-rim training) that would take Jared away from me and the family. Without that negotiation, I may feel unappreciated and taken for granted. Without that negotiation, I may resent many of the things Jared sets off to do. I think it would be so sad for either of us to chase our dreams and accomplish our goals without each other's support or to have to leave those dreams and goals behind because of a lack of support.

I've realized that for me, my victories don't come from crossing any finish line, but they come from the things that finish line represents. Like the thrill of knowing I can push and stretch myself to do hard things, and knowing that I have the blessing of relying on my family's support while I work to accomplish personal goals. Every finish line I've ever crossed has been so sweet because my family supported each early morning footfall and long-run recovery period months before the finish line was even in view. I can't imagine how anti-climactic it would feel to cross a finish line that didn't have the support of my family packed behind it.

Beyond personal goals, I have the blessing of knowing my family will support me as I do things that I feel are necessary to nourish my individual spirit. Jared has never balked at girls night out, he never complains about my service in the church, and he understands when I need to separate myself from the family for an evening here and there so I can get my spark back. These and a million other things are things I can only do with a supportive husband working either behind the scenes for me, on the front lines in my absence, or alongside me as we equally shoulder the responsibilities of being a husband & wife team as well as parents.

There are lots of things we are still trying to figure out, and while we don't have the art of supporting each other perfected I do believe it's one of the strengths of our marriage. I love knowing that I can set off on a four-hour training run and not have to worry about walking on egg shells when I get home. Instead, there's a smoothie and ice bath waiting for me. I love knowing that I can hold down the fort for an evening while Jared sets off early for a hike so he can catch as much daylight as possible. And dinner is on the table and ready for him when he gets home. I love knowing that the girls see us unified in this regard and that even though they may be unaware of it today, one day it will all make sense to them and they will know that their mom and dad love each other enough to sacrifice for each other, to support each other...and to negotiate for the sake of our marriage.