Just Trying to Do The Right Thing!

A while back for our FHE activity we built marshmallow & toothpick towers...Brita's idea. Our creations took on some interesting and unique forms...

We were all given the same materials and roughly the same amount of time to create our works of art. So why did Brita's turn out like this???

Brita is different from anyone I've ever met...in so many good ways.

While everyone in the family uses my phone for one thing or another almost daily, why is it that she is the only one who leaves me notes in my phone saying stuff like "Brita should be taken out for lunch every weekday so she doesn't have to suffer school lunch, then after that always take her out for dessert."???

And when she decides she wants a hamster, she researches the details of purchasing and owning one, then presents me with a cost analysis and small business plan outlining how the hamster will be paid for and cared for. And she ropes her little sister into a partnership because she knows Leah saves more money than she does and she knows she can get her little sister to share the workload. Then she hounds me day and night, wondering if dad and I have talked about it and thought about it long enough. Makes it really hard to say no. Crap.

Brita has been a hard one for me to figure out over the years. But as I learn more about who she is, I love the things I see. And I can't believe that she's a "tween" already, but when I step back and watch and observe, I see it's true.

Brita is always a step ahead and a mile deeper than I expect her to be. She has such complex thought processes and ideas...and they come so naturally to her. Brita rarely accepts anything for face value. She questions, challenges, and implores. She has a need to satisfy a constant curiosity.

Brita shares her interest in Greek Mythology, Egyptian history and the Middle Ages with me whenever I can focus long enough to engage in that kind of conversation. She changes the settings on my phone for me when I need help. She has proven to be a reliable source to remind me of appointments and commitments I have made.

She intuitively just knows so many things. She has an amazing vocabulary. She understands complex concepts and I can speak to her on an adult level regarding so many things. She gets impatient when others don't understand things on her same level or grasp concepts as quickly as she does (except during class when she can read her book while others are still being taught).

My heart sunk when I asked her if she sometimes has a hard time communicating with friends and peers sometimes. She told me she just doesn't use big words with her friends and she tries to talk to them in terms they will understand. As Jared put it, "she dumbs down her conversations so she can have friends." I hate that she is already feeling the need to filter so extensively in order to fit in. While we all have to adapt to certain situations, I want her to have a place where she feels accepted for being who she is and not who she is trying to be. I want her to know she's okay being her...she's better than okay. She's amazing.

I want her to realize that her amazing mind is a gift from God. Not a curse to keep her from having friends or a curse that causes others to make fun of her. It's a gift that allows her to appreciate things in life that I and others like me might gloss over or miss completely. It's a gift that will help her accomplish her purpose in life and will bless others lives in return.

For all of my kids I want to do the right thing. For Brita, I feel particular pressure to do the right thing because her needs seem so specific and so unlike any needs I have ever known for myself.

I always wanted to be a mom. I had dreams and plans and ideas and intentions to be the best mom I could possibly be. I still have dreams and plans and ideas and intentions to be a good mom, but they have changed and evolved over the past ten years. And sometimes my heart breaks because I think the intentions I had early on didn't play out exactly as I had envisioned they would and I think I made some pretty silly choices and chose some pretty silly battles to fight. And I hate that my oldest has had to pay the price for my inexperience. And I hate that I don't see that changing.

But then again, I think we're here to help each other. I do my best to be reasonable in my expectations of her and to help her see who she is and what she's capable of doing and becoming. And in return, she's been doing the same for me all these years. I have made so many mistakes and have regrets for things that I just can't change or take back. But somehow I have negotiated the course of motherhood to this point, largely because my oldest has helped me along the way. Looking back, I can see how we have figured things out together. And while I hope that I am helping her with her progression, I know she is helping me with mine.

Following a series of events that started at the beginning of the school year and recently prompted me to visit with her principal, Brita, Jared and I decided together that Brita will change schools next year. She'll go to an accelerated school where she'll be with other kids who think similarly and hopefully with teachers who will know & understand her mind. But where she'll be stretched in unfamiliar ways and pushed outside her comfort zone in new and unpredictable ways. She's ready and I couldn't be more proud of her courage and her readiness for this new chapter in her life.

And while I can't help but continue to ask myself, "Am I doing the right thing?", past experience has taught me that if I'm not, we'll put our heads together and figure out the next step. And regardless, we'll continue to help each other along the way.